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mon. may 15
10:38am
My heart finally caught my
conscious off guard tonight and it caught it good, it even stung a bit. It's left a mark that is going to take
a lot of praying, repentance, and time alone with God to heal.
I was sitting at BH's baccalaureate
service at FRC in Boyden. My pastor was delivering the message and I knew he'd be using the Bible, and - because it
was being held in the church and is, after all, a "religious service," I brought my own Bible along as I do nearly every time
I attend any "church" service.
I choose to bring my personal
Bible rather than using the typical pew copy because it's just that - personal. I write in it, I highlight
it, I underline it, draw arrows, circle words, put boxes around others, I mark it up likes it's a journal. There
is nothing better for me than going back through my own Bible and reading side notes from different sermons or class notes.
I gain further insight and gain so much more thorugh this. I want to know this thing inside and out, and so as the Truth
that guides my life, it's important for me to have the copy that's most familiar to me in my hands.
Nice story, eh? Unfortuneately, it doesn't end there. Satan has been his typical creep lately and has been throwing
doubt in my face from every direction possible. In anything that's happened in the last week - the enemy has
prowled around it all and somehow got on the "Route Doubt Bi-pass," making me question every single positive, seemingly promising,
event that's taken place in the last 5-6 days. And he thought it important to visit again tonight as I pulled into the
parking lot of FRC in Boyden. It goes like this:
"...my Bible's sitting in
the passenger seat next to me. Do I really need it, though? I mean, it's just baccalaureate. People
will think I'm some sort of fruity taking in my Bible for this. Nah - there are Bibles in the pews I can use
if I should need it. *opening door to get out* Oh what the heck, just take it in, set it next to you - if you
use it, fine. If you don't, fine. But then I'll have to walk the whole block with it in my arm and what if poeple
think stupid things? But if the message is something "good" I'll regret not having it with me....*get into the church,
find a pew to sit in* Man - it's going to be kind of packed in here with students, parents, relatives and friends -
whhhhy'd I bring this in? Nobody else does it. *looks across the aisle* SHE can't see me with my Bible,
she'll think I'm some holy rollin' Bible beatin' bozo!! WHY didn't I just leave it in the car??...."
So the above continues on
until the Lord of my life speaks up, allowing me to remove myself from the attack of panic and doubt. He asks me if
I realize where I am at. Of course - the church. A religious meeting. A service of worship. Jesus
the center of it all. And then, the burst of pain - then why, My child, are you hiding My Book under your arm?
Well, no one else seems...it's not about them, darling. You know who I am and you love Me.
If you feel persecuted because you love My Word, you shall be blessed.
And, as He always does, He defeated
the doubt within me. But as I said earlier, He and I still have a lot more of this to work out to cleanse my heart.
I got home and shame flooded
me. People know who I am and in that knowledge, know that I am a follower of Jesus. It was no secret to anyone
in that sanctuary that we were all at a Christ-centered service. But why did I feel such embarrassment for being
in the minority of the people who surrounded me, simply for bringing my Bible with me?
It hit me hard and I dove
into the Book I had been hiding just moments ago. I looked up Mark 8:34-38: "If anyone would come after me, he
must deny himself and take up his cross and followe me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever
loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit
his soul? Or what can man give in exchange for his soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in
this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the
holy angels." ...If the reality of my sin wasn't made clear prior to reading that, it certainly was then.
Had my time to die been sometime during that baccalaureate service, where would I have been in the above red-lettered scenerio
as written by the author of Mark?
And then, 2 Timothy 1:8,9:
"So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord...But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power
of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life - not because of anytihng we have done but because of his own purpose
and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time." ...That's my Lord - powerful,
gracious...saving.
Then a bit further in 2 Timothy
3:12-17, "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while evil men and
impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. But as for you, continue in what you have learned
and have become conviced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the
holy scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed
and is useful for teaching rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thouroughly
equipped for every good work."
So with that my friends, why - being
rooted in Christ - was it so difficult for me to accept that in a Christian setting? Am I really that pathetic of a
believer that, within the walls of God's very own house, I feel ashamed of Him? If I portray that, or at least
feel that IN the church, is that what my life portrays to those outside of the church? Do any of ya'll
relate? As Casting Crowns' song, Stianed Glass Masquerade says, are we really all just "happy plastic
people sitting under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain?"
Please join me in praying for this,
ya'll. Just when I thought I was getting it, I was so incredibly far off it sent me directly to the foot of
the throne, and there was no $200 bonus for passing 'go.' I guess I could say that "I know I'm not the only
one," but for right now - I'll assume I am the only one who's felt this way. And I'll leave my assumption
at that -- not out of ignorance for others, but because it starts with the self. If I am one of those
"happy plastic people," I'd better fix that before I start pointing fingers at the other plastic folk.
For the record, I'm not ashamed
of my God and the life I live as His daughter. I am, however, ashamed of my shame from last night. I know He
has forgiven me, but just as I'd feel absolutely terrible for trying to hide a friendship with an earthly friend,
the depth of the betrayal I portrayed last night with my King, my Lord, my Saving Grace and my
Friend...lets just say it sucks.
Praise the Lord, ya'll. Our actions
suck, but yet we are fearfully and wonderfully made exactly in His image. Search me, O God, and know my
heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
- Psalm 139:23, 24
thurs. apr 27
2:14pm
I wrote the following a while back, just hadn't
posted it yet. If you don't know what the words mean - look 'em up! :)
Something-ity
They
tell me they’re lookin out for me
Searching
for someone with compatability
Who meets
my eligibility in full capacity
But in reality
they drown me with insecurity
leaving me
to swim in their objectivity.
Maybe it’s
the assumption of age’s juvenility,
Or simply
my locality,
Or perhaps
my ample mediocrity.
Is it because
of my spiritual immunity?
Or my desire
for eternal fidelity?
Am I really
such a disability
that you
see no felicity?
Do I not
offer stability for your personality?
Is my request
for humility an impossibility,
or does my
fight against mendacity
show you
such monstrosity
that there’s
nothing here to meet your specialty.
Whatever
it is, being ordinary has a penalty
which leaves me in
the minority.
Recognize this juvenile obsurdity is enabling your inability to seize an opportunity.
fri.
dec 30
11:45am
**I accompanied some
junior high students to the Gospel Mission in Sioux City yesterday and walked out of there as a receiver, when I went
to be a giver. I don't know why it floors me so much - why I can't comprehend His wanting to use me for His
glory, why I feel so inadequate when faced with my goals, why the poorest among us see it in me but the rich are
blinded in the presence of it.... God does huge things through little means. I wish I could sit with
the man I encountered yesterday and give him more than my smile...but to him - that was Jesus...I can't give
anything more than That. **
I went along aiming for a life
that I could bless. Instead the man with his hair messed and clothes in distress brought me his tray and began
to express. Told me of The Light he saw in me and what would happen if I didn't accede, never allowing the masses
to see what it means to be set free. He hid any internal strife, didn't make mention of kids or a wife, so I told
him God would bless him and he - continuing the swim of his grim-rimmed life -advanced onward, beaming in His
reward, leaving me awe-struck and wholly restored.
thurs. dec 08
3:18pm
I'm by far one of the luckiest 24 year-old
females living on this Earth today. Not because I won some sort of give-away (although I am the recipiant of Jesus Christ
who gave His life for me). I haven't been swept off my feet by a man who's decided he can't live without me (although I am
in a serious long-term relationship with God's Son). And certainly not because I'm blessed with a bounty of possessions (but
I do have an inheritance being stored up in heaven).
Not only do I have those things, but consider
this: going to Bible Study is "work." Spending time with the ladies of older generations as we discuss the 3 Wise
Women (Mary, Elizabeth, Anna) is "work." Sitting in the sanctuary and discussing life issues with a co-worker is "work."
Praying with your
boss(es) after discussing "work" matters is "work." Writing simple notes of encouragement and
thanks is "work." Being in the House of God is "work." ...I don't know that I can fathom any more.
Despite the things I lack, nothing compares
to what I have, which is everything I need. I am the luckiest 24 year-old female on Earth.
I said it on Sunday, and
I'll say it again today - GOD. IS. GOOD.
thurs. nov 17
9:57pm
Just a collection of thoughts that passed
through a couple nights ago while I was unable to catch some zzz's.
As the moon casts
its masking shadows,
the wind howls and
the snow follows
while I lay here awake
concealing my sorrows.
The emptiness surrounding,
my loneliness
confounding,
my fears and
weaknesses yield to evil’s succumbing.
Then drifting across
the drafts of these walls,
the Holy Spirit descends,
His peace on me befalls –
stripping my heart
of everything dysfunctional,
ridding my mind of
everything corruptible,
reminding me
of His promises eternal.
…The emptiness
surrounding,
my loneliness subsiding,
I move to close my
eyes.
The wind howls...
the snow still follows...
alas the sun
rises offering life beneath the shadows.
sun. oct 30
10:54pm
"Christ Alone"
As I sat in church this Sabbath Day, the Lord used him and spoke to crumbled jars of clay. Did they hear the Message he tried to convey, or is it the Truth they refuse to obey? Christ alone repletes the vacancy which we’ve created with our insufficiency, becoming our own worse
enemy. To whom do we afford this finite life?
The One who destroys all perversive strife or to our friends, our families – the kids and wife? The Word was preached to those uncouthed, perhaps a handful of inquisitive sleuths eavesdropping on the
Gospel of Truth. No matter their state even if they’d recriminate, there
was nothing up for worthwhile debate. As his focus challenged their eternal estate, it was the Message of Grace he’d
set on the plate, emphasizing Christ’s power to give each his own unblemished slate.
His return to Earth remains unknown and we await the hour that His face wiil be shown. Until that day we lift our voices before the Throne, for we place our hope “In Christ Alone!”
fri. oct 21
9:56am
Last night I knelt before Thee and we discussed the plans He has for me. I wept
in true austerity, voiced my desire to be a sanctuary,
living as a beneficiary of the work done on Calvary. He held me in His arms, didn’t pull
out any magical charms, and looked into my eyes free of shameful scorn. With
His robe being torn, His face adorned with scars of thorns – He held me, His feeble daughter forlorn. Again I
wept before Thee and asked for holy verity. He knelt down in front of me, whispered
“Your desires can be reality, this I tell you with clarity.” He stretched
His hand out to mine, asked me to step up to the front line. “You
are the branch, I am the Vine – bear much fruit and the glory will be Thine.”
His words assured to be divine, commanding my life is as He designed – to Him alone I will consign.
thurs. oct 20
3:49pm
My intelligence lacking, the grip of frustration shackling, how do
I deliver this without limpidity? Their minds subject to frailty and receive Your Message without clarity? Obsurdity.
Help me Alpha, guide me Omega - I've gotta step through this atomic enigma. Destroy my ignorance, teach me the Substance
that I might depict It's brilliant magnificence.
wed. oct 19
8:48am
I'm in the midst of conflict and lovin it.
If only they'd see the big picture and realize it's inconsequent. But I'll sit back, rest in my place because through
it all, I'm seein His face, feelin His embrace. They see a waste, a situation of distaste, when really its a foretaste
of His infinite grace. Through this insignificant quarry, I'll serve as a human lorry through which I give
You alone all glory.
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